No Big Deal, But Tony Stark Was My Train Conductor Yesterday

Moviegoers and fellow commuters, we’ve just entered the 4th phase of the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) and I’m 93% sure I’ve discovered a major plot spoiler for the next blockbuster.  If you remember Bruce Wayne in The Dark Knight Rises, we were left with a bitter sweet ending as Batman had “died”, by way of sacrificing himself to save the world, only to find out that he really booked a flight with his new smokeshow girlfriend, Cat Woman and is vacationing in Italy while dipping biscotti in his freshly brewed coffee.

SPOILER CAUTION: If you live under a rock, hate life, and haven’t seen Avengers: EndGame yet, do not read any further.  Watch the movie, come back and I thank you for your click! 

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Comparatively, Tony Stark, like the Caped Crusader, also suffered the same fate under the same terms in Avengers: End Game, sacrificing himself for all humanity (or just 50%). We were of course led to believe that this was the final moments of Tony Stark. As LeSean McCoy put it so eloquently, RIP my dog Toney Stark! They even gave him a funeral.

However, as of yesterday I officially have my doubts. As I was commuting home on a shitty ass single level train built before Howard Stark was born, I laid eyes on what appeared to be a ghost. Now I may not have facial recognition technology, but I did have LASIK done last year and my eye sight is better than 20/20, so I’m pretty confident in what I saw.

Ok … so that’s him … now … wait for it …

Facial structure? Check!

Beard style? Check!

Hair? Check!

IronMan Suit? Debatable

Everything checked out … he even looked like he was coming off a massive bender/just snapped the Stark Gauntlet and had enough Gamma Radiation go through him that he could microwave the Earth like a hot pocket.

And now, ever since seeing him, I just can’t get this guy’s face outta my head. It has to be Tony. Which leads me to believe that MARVEL Studios is somewhere chillen on my train doing some covert filming, and this happens to be an end credit scene where we find out that Nick Fury sent Tony into the Superhero Protection Agency like he’s Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad, only instead of being sent to Nebraska to run a Cinnabon, he’s living in fucking New Jersey and is a NJTRANSIT conductor. Both miserable with slightly different character arcs.

If this is true, what a fucking plot twist! I’ve been balling my eyes out every night since End Game thinking about how Peter Parker was left alone in this world without his Father figure, just to find out that he’s been over here waiting for miserable 9-5ers to activate their mobile tickets on an App that doesn’t work 100% of the time. Shit, now that I think about it, the Avengers had a better probability of beating Thanos than us NJTRANSIT commuters do activating our tickets. Sad!

Kind of ironic if you think about it though, ya know? Because nobody would expect a guy who spent his life creating the most advanced technology in the world to be spending his glory days in isolation on the LEAST advanced and shittiest technology in the world, that being a NJTRANSIT train.  Actually, it’s not ironic, it’s fucking genius!

I tell ya, this is a major relief for ya boy and a huge win for fans of the MARVEL movies.  as for me personally, I just hope I get my ticket checked by Tony on my way home tonight.  And I promise all of you this … when I get back to my house, I’m gonna make it a point to pick up my 7 month old Daughter and tell her that I love her 3000.  You can bank on that.

So that’s my theory and I’m sticking by it, even though some people have brought up some good points as to why Tony would never agree to this …

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