Family Vacation Saves Man From Mass Transit Nightmare!

A few months ago my wife and I were discussing when to take our first family vacation with our 6 month old baby Daughter.  As new parents, we naturally over-analyzed this decision to an extent that only new parents can understand.  We looked at the monthly forecast, which is as accurate as an LED board at Penn Station with departure times.  We Amazon Primed every single toy and/or contraption imaginable for the little one.  If Prime said it was recommended, we were buying it.  And buy we did.  There’s currently a pool float in room 318 of The Asbury Hotel.  It was a real piece of shit.

Little did I know however that choosing these particular 3 days as our date with the Jersey Shore would be a blessing in disguise.  And yes, before you judge, we took a “vacation” to New Jersey … the same state we live in.   Go fuck yaself ya judgmental bastard.

Anyway, from what I could see thanks to the Twitterverse is that Mass Transit was in complete chaos and it all started with the PATH train.   It was a straight up domino effect …

The PATH Train … DOWN

Penn Station … F*CKED

Buses … not working?  I dunno, but who the fuck rides a bus to work anymore?  You ain’t gonna see me doing that shit, I don’t care if it’s the fastest route either.  I’d rather take the fuckin’ ferry and act like a Sea Captain each day than get my ass on a bus.  High School, this is not, my friends.

The best part about this fiasco was not the sheer misery of commuters which I’ve grown so fond of, but the sheer incompetence by the Mass Transit System to relay much needed information and of course, direction as to what the fuck to do and where to go.  For example … the PATH was completely suspended, leaving hundreds of people stranded outside in 80+ degree heat.   Here’s how PATH Train Twitter handled the situation ..

Alternate Transportation Services!  JUST CLICK THE LINK, PEOPLE!!! No harm, no foul!  We’ll get you right on your way!

… only the link was broken … HASTAG EL OH EL.

WHOOOOOPS!  Sorry about that, but don’t worry, just take an alternate route … maybe like .. Penn Station? ..that sounds like a good idea …


The odd part about all this is that even though I was grateful to not be stranded in Penn Station pounding Vitamin Waters to avoid over-heating, I did have a serious case of FOMO.  I mean fuck, I missed all this great content first hand.  It’s part of the gig, after all.  I can’t go around calling myself The Dark Knight Of Commuting if I’m not there to answer the Bat Signal, you feel me?

Yeah, so, right hand to God, when I heard that the PATH had a compressor issue and there was no AC I shed a tear.  It was a beautiful thing and I could have been there for it, but I wasn’t.  Instead, I was alone in the dark in my New Jersey hotel room watching my Daughter sleep while my wife went for her second tanning session of the day.

I guess that’s vacation for a Dad nowadays, though.  Although I did get my turn to go down to the pool by myself.  I got myself a fruity ass cocktail, threw on some shades and ended up listening to about 15 middle aged women get hammered by the pool and talk about C-Sections.  Living … the … dream.

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