It’s over 80 degrees fellas … so you know what that means … WE SWEATIN’ and WE’RE UNCOMFORTABLE. Ya see, this is the time of the year where you gotta bring an extra shirt to work because your back is so fucking soaked by the time you hit your desk that any good breeze from the AC will land you with some pneumonia. The sweat chills I call them.
The way I look at it is this is universe’s way of evening the playing field for men and women in the “this shit sucks department”. To put it bluntly, if women have to endure 9 months of pregnancy and labor, then it’s only right that men are born with the duty to sweat their asses off during their summer commutes to NYC while wearing jeans or a 3 piece suit. Fair is Fair!
This is one of the VERY few reasons that I hate this damn City, because for the most part I love it if I’m being honest, I’ll die here. Unfortunately the summer in between these tall ass buildings is the exception. It’s fucking gross. Maybe when I was 23 and had zero responsibilities it was fun, but now? Commuting from the burbs? Hell no, this shit has go to go. For example, if your office is at the minimum, one avenue away, from your train stop, then you’re 100% guaranteed to be soaked in last night’s dinner sweats by the time you swipe your keycard to your office. And the worst part about it all is that there’s nothing you can do about it. Once you’re above ground, the oxygen is sucked out of the air and you’re left with nothing but a smelly heat cloud comprised of self-loathing misery and whatever stench is coming off the Hudson . You have no choice in the matter, cuz as we all know, ya gotta pay the bills.
So whataya do in this situation? Well, what most dudes do is just suck it up, rock their jeans and button downs and pray they don’t get the arm pit sweat. If they’re uncomfortable, it’s okay, as long as they don’t look like an asshole with bad genetics or possibly worse hygiene.
Another thing is stocking up on undershirts. It’s a must. In my world, if you’re not at least rockin’ a guinea tee then you’re a psychopath. You cannot have all that sweat pouring off your body for the world to see, because next thing ya know you hit that sweet cold air in your office and your nipples are poppin’ so hard that they could cut an over-cooked steak.
… I just got chills.
Finally, wear Hawaiian shirts if your work permits. It’s an acceptable way to dress casually, while being able to wear a sweat positive shirt. Think about it, if you’re sweating so much that you look like you just jumped into a pool, it’s alright! … why? Because you have flamingos and palms trees on your shirt. That’s why.
Given all these sweat obstacles I’m happy to report that yours truly made an investment. I took it upon myself to go to the manliest store in the City, Lululemon and I bought 4 pairs of pants that ended up costing my Daughter her college fund … but I gotta say, these sons of bitches are WORTH IT. So much room, so much air. The pants are actually called ABCs, which stands for, no lie, Anti-Ball-Crunching. This was music to my ears and the ears of all men everywhere. The whole ball-crunching thing is a major issue for the male demo. It’s the number 1 cause in all man spreading. Ya see, ladies. We ain’t selfish, we’re uncomfortable!
P.S. I had no idea Lululemon sold men’s clothes until a few months ago.
Double P.S. It would probably make a lot of sense for Lululemon to make me an ambassador for their Men’s line, in particular their commuter wear. #dollarsigns
Anyway, back to the blog. Bottom line, I took this stylish, yet expensive plunge and made the investment. Now I look forward to my commute …
……
…..
Just kidding. The commute still sucks ass and it usually takes me an entire energy drink on the ride home to stay awake. But at least now I’m not sweating my balls off as I risk myself getting robbed during a quick cat nap.
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YOUR COMMUTE SUCKS 