If you’re Ric Flair, then stylin’ and profilin’ is second nature. It’s all you know, it’s all you do. In New York, that’s not the case. You’re talking about a bigger collection of randoms than you’d find in a bar at 3AM on Halloween Night. You don’t know who these people are, what they do for a living, if they’ve spent time behind bars, BUT the one thing you do know is that EVERYBODY has got a place to go.
In order to walk in the mean streets of New York City you have to be on your game at all times. There is no way around it, this place will eat you alive if you’re not up for the challenge. If you BETA walk, you better move ya lollygagging ass somewhere else.
One moment you can be listening to some sweet tunes on your Beats By Dre headphones and the next moment you’ll be taking a shoulder block into the bike lane like a Punter going savage on a kickoff. CITI BIKE, BITCH! Those bikers aren’t in the wrong all the time, but they are assholes. Buy a car, ya clown! You must ALWAYS be prepared. You are the Quarterback of your commute, and if you don’t believe in yourself, if you show weakness, the other commuters will smell it. Believe that!
In order to become an ALPHA when pimpin’ it down 7th Avenue while avoiding full size Elmos and the overweight 45 year old Spiderman, you need to exercise the 5 Rules Of Walking Badassary:
5. Keep Your Head On A Swivel
Just like in sports, you gotta keep your head movement going. Hand eye coordination isn’t just key to hitting .370 with RISP, it’s key for walkin’ like a total badass. Always be aware of your surroundings. Locate threats, bums, potential moving objects like cars, cyclists or the BETA dude who’s late to his meeting on 3rd and Park Ave because he chose to leave room for milk in his coffee and missed out on those 10 blocks of energy. When crossing the street, look left, look right and repeat that 3 times. Never allow your peripherals to rest. They’re the key to making it to work every morning or ending up in the E.R. and having to miss the gym for 6-9 months.
4. There’s No Time To Wait – Jay Walk All Day, Every Day
Red. Yellow. Green. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THE COLOR IS! We got places to go. Jay-Walking is encouraged in New York. This doesn’t mean be an asshole and cause an accident, but it does mean to use some common f’n sense. If you got a one way street and you’re waiting in the crosswalk with 20 cube monkeys, take the lead, BE AN ALPHA, BE WILLIAM WALLACE and MARCH TO YOUR FREEDOM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT INTERSECTION.
3. Never Make Eye Contact
As an ALPHA walker in NYC, you don’t need to bother yourself with the dude begging for change or trying to sell you drugs. As is, you already have enough supplements, bro. Making eye contact is how you get stuck buying some clown’s demo mix tape for $5 bucks, even though 90% of the world’s population doesn’t use CDs anymore, with the other 10% being really old people. You be the commuter you need to be, keep that head straight and eyes focused. Eyes on the prize, which is crossing the motha f’n street, ya feel me?
2. Walk With A Purpose
Look at this GIF of Stone Cold Steve Austin with his vintage “BMF” Walk. This is walking with a purpose … any questions?
1. Set The Tone
Setting the tone is imperative. You need to take control of the situation, even when you’re not walking in front of someone. If you encounter a slow walker, you need to make your presence felt by speeding up your cadence, hit the ground extra hard like you’re hustling for a 2 bagger and make it known that you’re breathing down this dude’s neck. Just as you pass him by make sure you give him a quick glance and side eye, just enough so he knows that he’s giving a bad name to the elite walkers of NYC.
MOVE IT OR LOSE IT, SISTER!!