As you all know, yesterday there was an event that shook the commuter world straight to its foundation. While the majority of us were going about our day at our once in a lifetime, dream desk jobs, contemplating when to strategically leave work to catch a train heading towards a black-hole, we all stumbled upon an exchange of dialogue via Twitter that would consume our brains for the remainder of the afternoon.
Long story, short, the Hamilton Train Station was not open yesterday for commuters to take the train to work. When questioned by their customers on Twitter, NJTRANSIT did the unthinkable, and blamed … yep … you guessed it, DUNKIN F’N DONUTS. That’s right folks, a Station that is required to take thousands of people to work on a given day is at the mercy of a Doughnut Shop and their most trusted employee. Simply put, if the “Doughnut Worker” in question, as the New York Post referred to this sad soul as, doesn’t show up, people don’t get to work – It’s as easy as shoving a high caloric Boston creme to your face. Here’s how it all went down …
As you can read above, Steve Kohut, a commuting knight in shining armor, whose name also rhymes poetically with “donut”, called out NJTRANSIT on their bullshit for not having the Hamilton Train Station doors open for ya know … service. To Steve’s surprise, a NJT employee who goes by the initials “TB”, who I have determined is Patritot’s Quarterback, Tom Brady, explained that it AIN’T THEIR FREAKEN FAULT, STEVE!!! .. in fact, they’ve reached out to the vendor MULTIPLE TIMES. Who’s the vendor you ask? Well it’s none other than the supplier of America’s Best Watered Down Coffee, Dunkin Donuts. (For the record, I’m team Dunkin).
Quickly news spread of this preposterous finding and Twitter did its thing. It was almost too easy for some and considering Dunkin’s very own tag line, it was only a matter of time before someone took all the glory on Twitter … America Runs On Dunkin, well, that’s not the only thing that runs on the Donut empire … this was the layup of all layups.
To me, the funniest part of this whole thing wasn’t even the fact that a Doughnut Shop was responsible for our commute. In fact, the best part to me was the coverage it got. Leading the charge was the NYPOST, who got an article out at light speed. They quicky explained what happened, but not at no one’s expense. In fact, they led off with an extra base hit in my mind when they referred to one of Dunkin’s own as a “Doughnut Worker” …
NJ Transit riders couldn’t get into the Hamilton train station Thursday morning because a doughnut workerwho was supposed to open the doors showed up late, the agency told commuters.
Does it get any worse than that? A doughnut worker? Not even a “Dunkin Donut Employee”, but a DOUGHNUT WORKER. I didn’t know such a profession existed if I’m being honest. I mean talk about taking it on the chin for the love of the doughnut game. You spend each and every day trying to figure out if a customer wants a Cold Brew or just a regular Iced Coffee and this is how you’re thanked? Without us knowing, this person has the weight of the world resting on his or her shoulder as they’re not only responsible for filling 25 munchkins in variety form, but ALSO is responsible for getting thousands upon thousands of miserable people living in New Jersey to NYC. I mean damn, NYPOST, at least have a little respect!
So who’s to blame really? That’s a hard question, so I actually went to another Dunkin Donuts on my way home to see if they opened up Penn Station …
Soooooo … it looks like they didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about. Hmmmm … I’m torn, but I think I had made a conclusion in this case.
To much of your disappointment, I AM STILL putting the blame on Dunkin Donuts here. It pains me because I’m a DD Diehard, but the fact is that how are you late for work if your place of employment serves coffee? It’s free caffeine on demand, bro! You literally couldn’t have an excuse not to be at work on time if you wanted. It’s not like you have to make breakfast! YOU HAVE A WHOLE MENU TO CHOOSE FROM. Want hashbrowns? Heat ’em up! Want a protein power breakfast sandwich? Heat it up! Want to clog your arteries and not live to 45 years old? Have 3 chocolate glazed or crush a 50 box of munchkins. GO CRAZY. But don’t give me this “I didn’t show up for work” excuse. Donuts. Coffee. BE A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY AND GET THESE MOTHER FUCKERS TO WORK!!
The only thing NJTRANSIT actually did wrong here was admit to this. Seriously, next time, just say you fucked up. Lie to us. At least that we’re used it.
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