Please be advised that if you’re in the middle of eating, to proceed with caution … or if you’re constipated, you may actually find some much needed inspiration!
So last night I’m minding my own business watching a little football when my co-worker comes from the clouds with this repulsive, yet amazingly impressive photo of an actual shit taken by either some type of endangered species or human …
My gut reaction was to conclude that this was NJTRANSIT, but to my surprise my friend informed me that this was indeed the LIRR. Now, I will admit that I did jump the gun a bit and fire out a tweet at @NJTRANSIT asking them if this was a part of their ENGAGE, IMPROVE and INFORM initiative. I assumed it was them and as we’re all taught growing up, assuming is never a good thing. And for that reason, I’d like to apologize …
TO ABSOLUTELY FOOKING NOBODY!
I don’t give a shit. If fact, the only shit I give is the one in this photo, to which I give to all of you so graciously. Ironically enough, shit has been quite the theme for my life as of late, ya know, with the baby and all. All this girl does is poop. Her favorite thing to do is wait until I change her diaper. It’s almost like she knows what I just went through and wants to play a prank on her old man. She waits until my ass hits the couch and then BOOM! … another dump … anyway, I digress.
Now if we’re breaking this down we gotta ask ourselves a number of questions …
#1. What kind of psychopath actually takes a shit on train?
Do you know how many diseases that bowl has? You know for a fact that the LIRR is cutting back in the cleaning department. There’s no way they’re investing in making sure the drunks are given the 5 star treatment mid-ride. Hell, they probably put water in a spray bottle, shake it up with some cheap V05 shampoo from Rite Aid and make sure nothing brown is on the bowl. There’s no chance that thing is disinfected.
#2. This question actually came from Twitter …
Great question, Mr. Starkis! Well, I’m no expert, but I gotta think this is one of two things. Either #1. it’s pure physics and the train movement created a trajectory when combined with the train movement created a certain level of momentum that sent the passenger in one direction and the shit in the other, thus creating the horizontal pattern.
… or #2, which is the most obvious, where some disgusting drunk slob thought it was a good idea to crush some taco bell before an hour long train ride. They probably had no control over their bowel movements and fell asleep while mid-sitting down on the toilet. Long story short, the shit went straight back, striking the seat with the force of an atomic bomb.
HOWEVER …
If you look closely … ugh … gross … you can see the initial spot of impact, thus creating another theory – the 3rd theory. This theory concludes that this person was trying to do the right thing, which was execute a maneuver known as “The Flying Shit”, where an individual hovers over the bowl and attempts not to make ass cheek to seat cover contact, thus saving them from disease and embarrassment. This is a bad demo of what it could potentially look like …
Ok … not really, I just wanted to use that GIF. Fuckin’ Elmo droppin’ a deuce! Love it.
In summation, this was the shits. It’s also a metaphor for our commuting situation and a reminder that when you think your commuting couldn’t get any worse, it can, and not only that, it’ll fucking stink.
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YOUR COMMUTE SUCKS 