Hello my fellow commuters! Its been a minute. As you may know, I’m currently on Paternity Leave so I’m not actively taking part in my glorious commute from New Jersey to New York City. However, just because I’m not there suffering with you, doesn’t mean I don’t have a watch over Gotham City. All I need is Twitter to send me the metaphorical Bat Signal to know when I’m needed. So as I sit here at 4AM with my precious new born Daughter, I couldn’t help but take notice to the extra terrestrial activity that took place last night …
Now this fool actually thinks this is a Con Ed explosion, he even used the proper hashtag. Let me tell ya something, Jackie, there’s no chance this is Con Ed. I’m gonna have to disagree. This isn’t some energy company lighting up the sky … this is in fact, Aliens. Yep, we’re being invaded and this is 100% a Government cover up. Although I will say it’s odd for them to come to Queens first since there’s really nothing that interesting there. You’d think Times Square with all the lights and shit would be the big attraction. Personally, I’d love it if they’d send a tractor beam or some shit and destroy that place. Fuckin’ tourists, bums, never ending construction … just get rid of that hell hole. However, since they are in Queens my only hope is that they’re there to abduct the piece of shit, cheap fuck owners of the Mets, the Wilpons, and mind fuck those criminals into spending some money for that embarrassment of a franchise that I root for …. but I digress.
Anyway, there is the strong possibility that we’re being invaded, I think that goes without saying. Sure, we may lose control of everything we know, but where other people see a threat, I see an opportunity. On the off chance these Aliens do let us live, maybe it’s best that we propose a proposition to them.
Awwww, look at the NYPD trying to get ahead of the story … sureeee, everything is under control. No problems here folks! I also love the Freudian slip of “Transformer” …. ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!!!!
Imagine the Aliens could just make us all Transformers? We’d be our own form of transportation, would save on gas, be environmentally friendly and we wouldn’t have to buy a monthly pass for a ridiculous amount of money! WHAT A BLESSING THIS INVASION IS!!!! BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY!!
So here’s the deal I’d put on the table: I say we propose that they can use all of our natural resources and rule us, plus we’ll throw in Governor Murphy as a human sacrifice to show good faith, and as a trade off for our peaceful surrender all we ask is that they use their advanced technology to fix NJTRANSIT. Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking that this is pretty far fetched. But think about it, we got NJTRANSIT telling us they’re gonna “improve, engage and inform”, but they make no mention of actual improvements to the fucking trains. I say we bypass all that bullshit. Let’s take the risk on the off chance these non-human life forms aren’t here to murder us all. What’s our alternative really? Wait for NJTRANSIT to update us on their new App? I ain’t downloading that fucking thing anyway. As is we’d have to wait 20+ years for a complete overhaul and spend billions of dollars to fix this atrocity. So I say we let the Aliens deal with it. Think about it ..
Man power shortage? Employ some Aliens to run the trains. They probably don’t have to wait 9 months to reproduce and are probably ready to go as soon as their born. They could probably strategically breed Alien Conductors.
Mechanical Issues? Ummm, I doubt Aliens have this standard. I’m pretty sure when your technology is 20 billion years more advanced than ours that things like slippery rail conditions aren’t a problem. Imagine telling an Alien that we can’t ride our trains because of oil from leaves??!
“Man, these humans are fucking losers!!!” – Aliens
What about late trains and delays? Ummm, have you heard of flying trains before? Have you seen how big the sky is? Oh, you haven’t? Well I bet the Aliens have. They’ve seen the entire Galaxy at this point. They probably don’t even know what “ground transportation” is.
…. or even better. What if they have the inside scoop on teleportation? What if we can rid ourselves of our never-ending misery and just straight up skip the commute entirely? Sure, I’ll be out of a blog, but I think that’s a fair trade off to have all that time back in my day.
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