We Got Fire & Ice! Buses On Fire and Commuters Freezing Their Asses Off

I knew today was going to be a good day when I loaded up the ol’ Twitter machine and saw that a NJTRANSIT Bus had caught fire and gone up in flames.   Yes, on fire.

First off, I’d definitely say a burning bus is not a positive start to anyone’s day, EXCEPT if you’re the “Food Allergies” company that advertised on this bus.  Just look at the picture above – your shitty product is EVERYWHERE right now.  And yes, maybe being associated with a burning bus isn’t the ideal product placement, but hey … any publicity is good publicity, am I right?!?!

Seriously though, can you imagine that?  Just think about being on that bus, seeing smoke, then flames and having to tell the bus driver that he needs to stop, drop, roll and pull the fuck over A.S.A. Mother-Fucking-P.!!  Not only that, but after you leave the burning bus you need to take your frost bitten fat fingers out of your pocket and call your boss …

Uhhh, hey boss, it’s me, yeaaaaaaa …. the bus I’m on is on fire so I’m gonna be a little late to that 10 0’Clock … that cool? … my bad, but ya know, the bus is on fire.  (pause) … and yes I’m fine.

Because of this, I was confident that all the bad luck in the tri-state area had already passed me by and that it would be smooth sailing into New York City on this brisk Tuesday morning.  I even hit every green light on my drive to the train with the wife.  On top of that, we got a prime time spot right by the exit in the Parking Garage.  The day was mine.

However, as my wife and I exited the garage and started walking up the station staircase we heard a train coming, which made no sense since our train wasn’t scheduled to arrive for another 9 minutes.  It was odd, but like the gullible fucks we are we figured “Oh, our lucky day, the train came early, maybe NJTRANSIT is listening to its customers after all!!.”  And just as those idiotic thoughts went from one side of my brain to the other we laid eyes on the train windows as the train approached the station.   Soon our smiles turned into frowns as we realized that those windows were straight up canvased with faces filled with constipation.  The train was packed and there was no chance that the wife and I were going to force ourselves on this train of sadness and regret.

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Sadness.

We’ll wait for the next one, it’s too packed” my wife said.  To be honest, I nodded in agreement without even fully listening to what she said, but not because I was ignoring her, but because people were letting this poor conductor have it as he tried to explain what the hell was going on …

Old Lady: We pay for this!  This is expensive!  This is ridiculous.  Which train is this?

Conductor: Uhhhh, I don’t know.  There should be a train right behind this, but I don’t know where it’s going.

Ummmm, whataya mean you don’t know?  It’s going forward.  What are the stops? Is it going to New York?  You think people who actually work in North Elizabeth or some other random place in New Jersey would take this fucking train if they could just drive their own car?  You must be smokin’ that good shit in between train carts before checking tickets, brother!

Anyway, we went to hibernate in the waiting area with the rest of the losers and after about 10 minutes the next train had arrived.  Same story though – it was packed.  Like most New Yorkers, we had to make a decision, we were either gonna be late or REALLY fucking late.   We went with option 1. We were going to be late, so we strategically crammed onto that train as the last passengers to board.  This accomplished two things:

#1. We were able to lean on the train door.  I then said 10 Hail Marys and prayed to the big man upstairs because if there was a derailment I would certainly be the first person to bite the dust.

#2. It’s better to be shoved up against the door than shoved up someone’s ass. All and all, it wasn’t that bad, I mean no joke that’s more leg room than you get on United Airlines.

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PRIORITY SEATING!

As we were slowly making progress it came to our attention via passenger gossip that there was a medical emergency on the train ahead of us.  You never want that, even if they’re lying to our faces.  As it turned out, a pregnant woman had passed out, and considering my pregnant wife was with me, I immediately started to become increasingly agitated and paranoid.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU TAKE THE TRAIN. YOU’RE WORKING FROM HOME FROM HERE ON OUT, YOU HEAR ME!!!” – Me

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….. yep … I fucked up.  That wasn’t the tone I should have taken with the wife as she sent over a death stare to let me know that I was not to tell her what to do.  While she knows I care, she also knows her own body and I should have known that it’s filled with hormones.  My bad, yo.  She wasn’t about to let her husband tell her she wasn’t going to work.  As far as she was concerned, if the baby wasn’t gonna be born heading into Penn Station and delivered by an inept and unqualified Conductor, then she was fine.

Needless to say, I apologized immediately and quickly changed the subject.

Now, standing there stuffed against the shit covered window wasn’t the only issue.  We also had to deal with a new fiasco every time we hit another stop since this was a local train, which meant that I would have to come face to face with commuter hopefuls that have been waiting in the brisk November weather for 30 plus minutes.  They’re angry, they’re cold and they’re tired of this shit.

Since I knew that my showdown with the miserable was inevitable, I made sure to plant my feet firmly in the ground, stand still and awkwardly stare them down like I was Vigo in Ghostbusters II.  I gave off that “this guy is a fucking prick” vibe.  I’m confident that it worked because nobody tried to push their way on.  My favorite was this little old lady that just walked away absolutely defeated.  I crushed her soul.  Her friends had wisely made the call to retreat, but I could see in her eyes that she thought that given her petite frame that she’d have a chance to squeeze on in …

Unfortunately for her, this dude don’t play that shit.  I’m uncomfortable and I’m late.  I was straight up like fuckin’ Gandalf in Lord Of The Rings guarding that bridge.  It wasn’t her day and this wasn’t her train.  Not today …

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GET THAT SHIT OUTTA HERE, OLD LADY!!! TAKE YO SORRY ASS BACK TO THE WAITING AREA!  WHO LIVES IN NORTH ELIZABETH ANYWAY??!!

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After rejecting that poor little lady like Dikembe Mutumbo we decided to take the PATH, which of course was packed on the Platform.  We missed the transfer upon getting off and had to wait in the brisk air for about 15 minutes.  It wasn’t that bad, although given the crowd I had my doubts.

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The PATH train finally arrived.  We got on and my wife scored a seat. HUGE WIN!  I gotta say, when the PATH works, it fuckin’ works.  I’m happy we made that decision, because Lord knows that if I was still on NJTRANSIT that something would have gone wrong and I would have another 2,000 words to write.

…. I still have no idea why our trains were delayed today, but in 2 hours I had already seen a burning bus on Twitter, people freezing on Platforms, a medical emergency and delayed up to 50+ minutes.  All things considered, not bad for a Tuesday!

Now if I only make it home in time …

Wanna find out if I did?  Follow me:

Follow me on TWITTER: @commutesucks

ON INSTAGRAM @yourcommutesucks

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