So I’m sitting over here in my man cave on a quiet Sunday night when I come upon this Twitter thread where some random dude is apparently stuck on an AMTRAK Train going from NYC to Boston. Now normally I just shrug my shoulders and say “what else is new“, but this one caught my eye. This one was a bit different. From what I could read in the thread, this guy may have been the happiest motherfucker to ever be stuck on a train for 10+ hours ever.
Hey, everybody! He “luckily’ broke down only 5 minutes outside Penn Station. Ummm, hate to break it to ya Nicky, but there ain’t nothing lucky about being anywhere near Penn Station at any time, for any reason, ever. People literally fall asleep in the bathroom stalls there, do drugs and have to be removed by NYPD’s Finest. If you there, you ain’t lucky, bro.
As it turns out, our boy Nick had the scoop on what went down on his train!
I’m just gonna state the obvious. I ain’t never heard of a freaken pantograph in my life. I have zero idea what that is.
Boom. There we go. It’s the apparatus on the train’s roof that keeps it in motion, so I can only assume that when NJTRANSIT announces that they have “equipment shortage” that this is what they mean, because more times than not, their trains aren’t moving, so it only makes sense that they forgot the piece that allows the train to move. So anyway, this thing was broke on Nick’s train. Then he went on to say “we’ll see what happens lol” …
L. ? O. ? L ? Are you serious, bro. You laughing at this shit. Like dude, you ain’t going nowhere. You’re stranded son and I don’t need a crystal ball to figure that out. It’s called common sense. And since you think it’s so funny, go ahead and get comfy lookin’ outside your crusty ass window for the next 5 hours …
HE IS SO EXCITED! HE’S USING EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
So Nick and some of his new friends by default on the train are stuck at this point for hours, but you wouldn’t know it because they still seemed like the happiest and nicest people ever. I guess this is who rides AMTRAK. The “nice people”. They were so nice that they even went out of their way to defend the Conductor on the train.
The conductor has been wonderful? Without him the journey would have been harder? Fuck … this …. shit …. WHAT? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Well, I’ll start by telling you who these people ARE NOT and that’s one of us. Because if that was us WE’D BE EATING THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S LUNCH! We’d be calling for his job. Calling for his pension. We’d be all over Twitter lighting up @NJTRANSIT like a fucking Christmas Tree BECAUSE ….
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
… but this AMTRAK. These people are classy and ya know what, good for them. We need good people like them in the world. After all, it’s the Holiday Season. Tis’ The Season To Be Jolly … even if you’re stuck on the fucking train for hours and hours. God Bless those people. They’re better than me.
So after providing well wishes to the Conductor and covering his ass, things went to shit quite literally as apparently the power on the train has a direct correlation to the shitter.
So 6 hours in and we got toilets over flowing because they can’t flush. I just can’t imagine anything worse. I mean, the only thing worse than being on a train where the toilet start to overflow would be to actually be the last person on that train that went to the bathroom …… ESPECIALLY if you’re one of those people that went #2 after slamming some Rose’s Pizza at Penn Station directly to your face. Brutal.
I was very curious if this happened, so being the Commuting Journalist that I am, I got on the case immediately …
… and we have confirmation. People were taking big ol’ shits on the train. Personally, that’s something I’d never do. I’m a clench the butt-cheeks type of guy. You gotta hold that in and wait until you go home. Not only is it cleaner as you’re not sharing a toilet seat with random strangers, but it’s more rewarding as well. If you’re a dude, you know what I’m talking about.
Shortly after the bathroom fiasco, emergency services started arriving to the scene. My guess is that it was either someone tried to jump out the train window and walk home or someone was legit sick from the smell. Either way, The Po-Po was called and 5-0 was on the scene!
Oh, Nick … you’re so hopeful. So innocent. Everyone knows that rule #1 is that any time you hear police activity it means to transfer trains. Like Morgan Freeman said in The Shawshank Redemption … “Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope will drive a man insane.”
Well, for this dude Nick, hope did come, but it came in the form of what was 10+ hours of a travel. I know if it was me that I would be 100% irate. I mean at least when you’re in a shit-show of commuter hell with NJTRANSIT or the LIRR you need to stay alert on your feet. You need to be aware of your surrounding. We got the crazies, the angry and the miserable. We have to worry about some psychopath pushing us on the train tracks or even worse … starting a conversation. On AMTRAK though, apparently we have the happiest of the happy, even after 11 fucking hours. They’re taking selfies, complimenting the service … THEY LOVE IT!
Then, on top of alllll this, this guy even went out of his way to give AMTRAK the thumbs up and a vote of confidence after his journey had concluded.
Two things I’ve learned:
#1. This guy Nick is phenomenal at coping with bullshit
#2. He’s fucking terrible at taking selfies. YO BRO! BACK UP AND HOLD THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR FACE!!
You’re a better man than me, Nick. Cheers to you.
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