The Thanksgiving Commuting Shit Show: Give Thanks & Enjoy Delays

Gobble, Gobble, Ya Traveling Losers!

We are officially full blown into the Holiday Season as today is Thanksgiving!  Millions of families across America will be getting together to dine over an abundance of food while arguing and reminding themselves why they see each other only once a year.  It’s also the prime commuting time of the year, so of course, what could go wrong?!  … and don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

To set the table so to speak, in true American tradition conversations will take place around the dinner table and will be filled with opposing opinions, which are most likely fueled by wine and estranged Aunts and Uncles.

I find this quite funny given my new digs in Central New Jersey, because while we can’t seem to agree on topics with those that share the same blood as us, we can certainly agree with total strangers that we share the confines of Penn Station with.  Of course, I’m talking about our universal disdain and sentiments for the New Jersey Transit System.  And if you’re reading this you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Now, fortunately for me I have a job that cares about my well being and health, so I was able to work from home yesterday and avoid the Holiday rush.  Before you judge me though, realize that I did have my own issues.  It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.  In fact, my wife left me alone in the house and I was essentially attacked by a swarm of birds.  Like the true man I am, I grabbed my phone and went outside to inspect …

Side bar – I shot this yesterday, but is that normal in New Jersey?  Why were there 1,000 birds on my front lawn like 10 minutes after that video?  Are these birds delayed as they head toward migration like us?

As for the commuting festivities, I was able to watch from afar as slowly, but surely delay after delay started to roll in with more and more minutes added to each respective one.  It was kind of like Thanksgiving Dinner, where the meal progresses throughout the afternoon until you’re sick to your stomach, have instant regret and end up avoiding the mirror after you shower for the next couple weeks.  This is quite disturbing as it’s eerily similar to taking NJTRANSIT.

So let’s take a look at what Thanksgiving Meal NJTRANSIT prepped for us yesterday, shall we?  Now, for those of you that don’t know, I’m Italian and we do things a little bit differently, especially when it comes to the starters.  We start around 1:30PM and in our household we kick off with some appetizers.  We do the anti-pasto and a ton of shellfish.  Fuck salad, you feel me?  Ya see, it’s important that you start off slow, because if not you won’t have room for more.  Much like my mother-in-law, NJTRANSIT knows this as well.  They started the commuters off slow yesterday and strategically eased them into hating themselves and their life decisions with each bite ..

The starter portion for this meal were good ol’ wire problems that weren’t really wire problems, but instead, a mother fucking plastic bag.

So not only do we have NJTRANSIT shitting on people’s Holiday commute, but now it’s shitting on the environment as well.  You would NEVER see paper pull this type of shit, but this is what you get when you try to pollute, you get delayed in 30 degree weather.  Serves you right.  Although, you gotta give NJTRANSIT props for having the balls to blame this on the “wire”, because those of us with a functioning brain know that it wasn’t the wire’s fault at all.  Basically trash attracts trash and this gross plastic bag was smittin’ with a NJTRANSIT cart.  I’m not surprised.  Love is love.  Garbage is Garbage.  Who am I to deny?

So once the appetizers are out of the way we’re served the semi main event; the sides.  We’re talkin’ mashed potatoes, green beans, sweet potato pie and casserole.  I think we’d all agree that the sides might be the best part, and while the ones I just named are amazing, there is definitely one undisputed champ – THE STUFFING!  Yes, the stuffing, carbs on carbs on carbs.  Appropriately, NJTRANSIT has a stuffing of their own, but it doesn’t taste good and you don’t have it once a year.  In fact, this type of stuffing happens every fucking day.  It’s the stuffing you get when you’re physically stuffed next to random stranger as you sprint toward a death corridor trying to beat the mob to track #7.  It’s a fucking disaster and it’s served up hot and everyone wants a piece …

The taste of misery!  Gotta love it.  YO PASS THAT SHIT DOWN OVER HERE!!

And for a reminder, this was NJTRANSIT prepared and staffed up for the Thanksgiving Eve rush.  It’s almost like they have jokes .. like a clown …

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After the stuffing and the sides there’s only one thing left.  The Main Event, The Turkey!  The Turkey is the symbol of Thanksgiving.  A robust big ass bird that gets thrown into the oven, deep fried, you name it.  It’s the centerpiece and the anchor of the Thanksgiving meal.   HOWEVER … I, like many, actually hate the turkey.  I think it sucks ass and tastes like tree bark.  Everything else is better.  If you like the turkey then you’re probably the person at the dinner table that everyone avoids sitting next to.  Why would I want dry ass turkey meat when I could have another pound of sweet potatoes?  White meat, dark meat, gross meat, it’s all the same to me.  Which brings me to the Turkey of yesterday’s Holiday commute, a broken … fuckin … train.

Yes, you read that right, an AMTRAK train cart literally disappeared into the night on its way to Penn Station for Thanksgiving Eve.  Unless Santa was stealing this shit to use for his Sleigh in a couple months, this was peak Transit mayhem. You can’t even make it up if you tried.

I think it goes without saying, but this is easily the Turkey of NJTRANSIT and the symbol of their service and equipment quality.

The train straight up disappeared yo.  IT BROKE OFF!  Like a magic trick only without a David Blaine special on Netflix.  All joking aside, where are the people on that train now?  Did they fall into the Bermuda Triangle of Commuting?  Are they in a black hole riding NJTRANSIT for eternity?  Are they like Jodie Foster in the movie “Contact” when she got spun through a worm hole and saw her dead father on a random beach?  I can see it now …

Announcement:

“THE TRAIN IS NOW DETACHING … I MEAN DEPARTING! IT’S DEPARTING!! … ARE YOU GUYS READY?!?!”

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Just look at this beat to shit train …

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Can you imagine?

I know I should be thankful that I wasn’t one of the people on that train, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I was on it.  I NEEDED TO BE ON THAT TRAIN!  Man, the content that would have provided me with.  I could probably write another 5,000 words, but this is all I got.  It’s all I got left in me.  I’m full …. although …

There’s always room for dessert! … Pie anyone?

Not only are you gonna be delayed, but now there’s a good chance that when you’re moving that you could derail and take a nose dive straight into a ravine.  But hey, fuck it, I don’t want “thanks”, just give me some headaches and I’ll see you all on Monday, maybe we’ll even touch shoulders or an ass cheek in Penn Station.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

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