Today was a good day. Well, for me at least. You see, today I worked from home. As I’m new to Jersey, I’m still getting some minor work done on the house. Due to this, I planned a day to hang back, make sure the work was done to standard and above all, give myself a much needed break from NJ Transit. 2 weeks down, 30 years to go.
The day actually started with me getting thrown into a massive text chain with my wife and her 37 Italian female cousins. Shockingly there was an Amtrak derailment that was causing a 30 minute delay in and out of Penn Station and of course, my wife and I were to blame. As they put it, “we jinxed them all” by moving here. I disagree because … well … it’s New Jersey. The only people that we have to blame for living here are ourselves. It’s a cruel fact, but a fact nonetheless.
Anyway, my day went off without a hitch. I got my work done, the house errands accomplished and didn’t piss my wife off. The best part? I did it all from the comfort of my own home without having to board a train filled with odd smells and odder people.
The day was almost over until I received a distress signal from one of my now fellow New Jersey neighbors. My good friend Craig sent me a text that simply read “do you want your blog to go viral?” … I responded, “oh, but of course!“.
… and the misery cometh.
Poor Craigy, he’s a such a nice fucking guy, I tell ya. All he cares about is putting in some hard work at his 9-5, going home to his wife, watching football and eating some red meat. Now, he lives even further into Jersey than I do. Like he’s freaken out there. Life ruiner type stuff. So in the text he tells me that he was “forced to evacuate onto the tracks to switch trains“.
I damn near spit out my protein shake. Forced to evacuate? Is there a tsunami approaching? Did someone stab someone over not having their ticket activated on time? What could have happened?! Apparently this sorry bastard boarded a 5:49PM Morris Essex train that was destined for failure. It was rockin’ a solid 1-3 MPH due to “slippery rail conditions” from rain and leaves so they claimed.
To add insult to injury, the dude had to evacuate while it was raining. Kind of appropriate if you think about it, because as the old saying goes, when it rains it pours and when it pours, you need to evacuate a train. I asked him how in the royal fuck did this happen? I said I needed a DETAILED description because at this point I feel like I’m actually making a difference in this world and I can’t let people down. Here’s his account of his hilarious .. I mean, unfortunate circumstances …
So let’s dissect this first part. You almost gotta respect NJ Transit for coining the term “manpower shortage”, which is essentially another way of saying “some asshole didn’t fucking show up”. From there, my buddy Craig must have thought he hit the lotto because he was able to take the 5:49PM train only 10 minutes later. So he crams his ass onto that piece of shit storage locker and proceeds to take part is what basically could be considered a toddler’s roller-coaster ride at a local fair. At a whopping 1-3 MPH Craig would probably get home just in time to watch his Grandchildren get married. He currently does not have kids.
Luckily for Craig, the conductor was very prompt with his announcements, in particular focusing on the leaves and how they omit a specific oil and when that oil is compounded with rain it makes it almost impossible to gain traction. It’s physics baby! It’s Chemistry! …
Well, guess what Mr. Conductor, no one asked for your Science lesson and I can assure you that no one on the train gives two shits about the scientific compounds within dirty ass leaf water, especially when they’re gonna have to end up picking up a pre-made chicken cesar wrap at a 711 for dinner.
Moving along …
Finally, an identical train arrives along side this one. Craig and the rest of the chosen ones on this doomed commute had to lug their asses off the train and physically walk on the fuckin’ tracks … LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Imagine hearing that announcement? You just worked an 8-10 hour day, you’re tired, you’re gross, you’re shoulder to shoulder, touching who knows what with random strangers and now you have to get off a train that you paid for in the middle of the night and walk on the tracks it runs on. If I may say so myself, but this is the worst “transfer” of all time!
Let’s look at some examples ..
Here’s a few dudes “evacuating” against their will in defeat. If we’re being honest though, the worst part of this photo isn’t even the fact that they’re de-boarding a train mid-commute onto train tracks, but rather this dude’s hideous fucking mustard colored coat. Like who bought you that, bro? You should have left that fuckin’ disgrace on the train.
As the de-boarding process continues we see this miserable conductor trying to remain professional in this situation. I can guarantee the phrase “I ain’t paid enough for this bullshit” was uttered no less than 30 times.
Then lastly, the ultimate walk of shame. There is no lower level you can reach than having to walk on a damp ground covered in fall soaked leaves while it’s 70 degrees outside in November. This is literally the stuff nightmares are made of. JUST LOOK AT THIS.
The best part of the story though is the finale. As my buddy’s text said, once they got on the 2nd train around 8:30PM it pulled away almost immediately and hit full speed … but … but … WHAT ABOUT THE OIL BEING OMITTED ONTO THE TRACKS WHICH WOULD MAKE THEM IMPOSSIBLE TO RIDE ON?!?! … was it all a lie? … Did they tell you about leaves and oil and convince you that it was science to blame and nor mere incompetence??!! I think they did …
… THIS JUST IN … NJTransit has provided an update #LOL
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